I don't want to be walking off on the wrong path and doing the wrong thing in God's eyes but I feel like I've had enough of trying to be understood, explaining how I feel and why, then all that gets invalidated. I'm not talking about "contradicted"; I mean entirely invalidated as though if I don't reject my own feelings and thoughts and allow my own thoughts and feelings to be overwritten by what someone else wants me to accept,  I'm just this insane person whose own perception of anything ought never be trusted, and that's just this designation, this identity that I'm just supposed to accept or else I'm not only insane but I'm also hostile because I'm not giving in and accepting and just doing as I'm told.  And I'm like, yeah, no, I really do feel this way... but I accept the fact that it's preferable to many people that I never embody and occupy myself and have my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences rather than the ones that they prefer for me, though I will not comply, However, my concern is, where is the line between right things to do about it and wrong things to do about it and where should I place myself and my actions in relation to that line?

  I'm not a thing. I'm a person. But most of my life me making my own choices for myself was met with hostility and hatred. I don't want anything to do with anyone who's not capable of understanding that I really feel like I just need to be left the hell alone because my own voice is so faint that I literally need days to be at home by myself and talk out loud to myself in response to things I'm listening to, watching, reading, tasks I'm doing, because I still need to find my frequency and learn to differentiate between what's coming from inside of core me versus what's residual bullshit from backlogs versus what's current or recent impact from someone else and still process what I think and feel and decide about all that other stuff that isn't me or from me. I also don't think that there are a lot of people who will understand my reaction to what, to me, is intrusion and why it is such a serious thing to me and that I am allowed to feel that way about it.

  I have peculiar needs which I am aware that there are people who view them as inconvenient or obnoxious or bogus but my transfer to full time is complete and so now I have the ability to sign up for insurance and I'm going to a church that refers attendees to certified Christian counselors who specialize in subjects areas that I feel I need assessment and retraining in and coaching through the retraining process. This, along with continuing to pay off my debts and repair my credit is my focus now. I'm almost under $4,000 with the upside-down car loan now, which started off over $16k. That's a big deal for me. I need to not screw this up. I have no room for any drama, intrusions, or interruptions.

  I'm trying to stay humble but strong and focused. I'm trying to be realistic but I feel like there are so many demonic set-ups, street performer or movie sets, in a sense, real life scenarios to encounter and witness that are set up by demonic forces to an extent or at least influenced by them, in the sense that Saint Peter was influenced by Satan when he rebuked Jesus for warning his disciples that he was going to be crucified and then Jesus said,  "Get behind me, Satan." to him in response to Peter rebuking him. I feel like this influence over people is real and it strongly affects how we feel and what we think about everything and when we're surrounded by people dancing to the beat of one demonic drum, in a sense, on a giant stage, and it seems like I'm surrounded these days more so than ever before, every choice to either engage or not engage whoever, whenever, wherever is kind of a big deal and it's super easy to be underprepared for these kinds of encounters. I don't want to let that happen to me again.

  The Bible says "Fear not." 365 times in it but I'm still nervous about end times tribulation events unfolding and what kind of people I'll have around me in my life when things really start to get real. Australia beat their own citizens in the streets who simply believed in their own bodily autonomy, and Britain's arresting so many people over damn Facebook posts that millions of Brits cheered in their own streets when a Texan sang our national anthem, a symbol of treason to the British empire, on frickin British soil, they're so besieged by and fed up with this shit. O feel like good/freedom side versus evil/tyranny side clashes are just popping off everywhere and I feel super insecure about accidentally letting people who may be at the ready waiting for when the time is right to turn me over to be persecuted for my faith. 

  I feel super insecure about believing that the wrong people are actually one of us when they never were, they were just wolves in sheep's clothing all along waiting for their opportunity to come after us. I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure right now about where I am in my life but I'm not wearing this on my sleeve. I've actual got it really close to the chest but it's real and it's bearing down heavily on me. It's like I feel that other influence, that other than Godly influence around a person coming through even though they say they're one of us, and it scares me a lot to see so many people who I just get that vibe off of claiming to be one of us just within these last couple of years. This is scary shit, but God said that He would never leave us or forsake us and I believe Him. I knew He can bring us through this. I'm not sure where he'll lead me in particular, so, yeah, I'm concerned, but ultimately, the ultimate goal is all about where I'll spend eternity and where all the people around me are gonna spend eternity. So, I'm trying to figure out how I need to deal with all of that as well.

 This just hit really hard when I woke up from my nap this evening (Didn't really sleep today, this elitism/ social climbing/ staying safe like a loser, emotional constipation, inauthentic shit has really been bothering me...)

  I'm a little familiar with this guy's story but not super familiar...  I've been able to do a lot of one shot - one kill, short exhortations for adult males who are getting stuck repeatedly on like these one or two things... I've just had a lot of dudes who fall into similar potholes in my life and I've had a front row seat for it all. So, I've kinda gotten a feel for the mechanics of situations...

  I feel like dudes become adult men and when they get there they build their whole life at the cross roads of 'the shoulds'. They don't know what they "should" do. They also seem to feel like they've never achieved "the thing", whatever "the thing" is, but they don't wanna talk about not achieving "the thing", though they elude to how unsatisfied or loser- feeling that leaves them all the time. I'm tired; My language barrier to languages I'm fluent in barrier struggle is real AF today... Anywsy, for the dudes,  a lot of other things get stuck in this one cross road issue to which a pretty good Goof-Off type solvent which can work decently to a reasonable extent for this and a lot of other barriers, I think, is to just frickin ambulate. 

  

  Move around that shit. See other things. Try other things. And a lot of times they'll only really be able to get themselves unstuck if you just pick a fight with them and let them spin their frickin tires at you until they get into a rocking motion and realize, yo, this one motion in this one spot I've been in is just digging the hole I'm in deeper and eventually this is just where they're gonna bury me and that'll be the story of me, and I'm not good with that. So, let's try rocking this boat a little more now that I've figured out that I can actually do that, and see where that takes me...

  Then it's like, and this is funny, it's like once they dial in calculated risks and settle into that shit, this is when The Lord of Hosts Knocks on the door and He's like, "Yo. What's up. ...Uh, do you roll?" *blinky-blinky-pindrop* "You do now, son!"

  I'm not gonna worry about it too much. In the end, I provided the fiction for the traction I was supposed to provide. Could I do better. Frickin, of course; I'm a crash test dummy. But I'll always find projects and ambulate.  It's what it's all about... I think... or a lot of the meaning/ purpose thing hinges on that and related stuff. ...I don't know that I've been able to prove yet that a door-dashed large Dunkin iced coffee is a suitable substitution for sleep. But I can try at least.

I played certain songs that I felt like I needed to hear right after writing my first post this morning and my listening to these songs very quickly turned into worship and lasted longer than I'd intended for it to, and after worshipping this morning I decided that I need to handle the subject in that original post differently. So, I'm editing the original post, cutting a lot of unnecessary stuff out that probably doesn't need to be said and probably shouldn't be said and opening some of the stuff that did need to be said up a little more...

This is that second edit:

  I work my ass off when I commit to something. I've learned how to do that though. I didn't always know how to do it right. I've wasted a lot and lost a lot because of that, in my life. I'm unwilling to waste in that way anymore. 

  I used to not choose to discipline myself to dedicate my intention and attention and the actual amount required of my available resources including time, attention, energy, and effort to things I should have because I divided my resources between multiple things that drew them from me and way too much of them. I also proportionately used to accept this same treatment from others because I hadn't defined this prioritizing responsibility as a value and a boundary that's actually extremely important to me yet. I have now and because I have I now recognize what's going on in these kinds of scenarios better when they occur and the signs of what it looks like on the outside, on the incoming. And it's because of this that I don't mind defining and insisting on my boundary to reserve my resources for the right investments of them only and it is because of this that I do not mind if it is not preferable to anyone else in particular that I must insist on this boundary.

  Teams don't build themselves. You have to know and care for your team people and invest in them. You need to really show up for your people when you show up and dividing focus defrauds your own team of that focus, attention, and intention that they are entitled to like noone else is. I also understand when someone is communicating to me through actions that they have better things to go do. So, I should and will take such a cue and go focus on me and mine and refrain from holding those who have better things to do up from going and doing those better things. It's not frickin advanced calculus or rocket science. It's simple human communication regarding priorities. Consistent action is what builds the story that illustrates what you really want and you need to understand, yourself, before you start putting your own seed in the ground and really putting roots in what exactly it is that you really want, and all I read in the story from many people, most people really, is that they do not know what they want. I, however, amazingly, finally do, and that, the not being a priority and gaining nothing in the way of consistency other than constant reminders of what a priority I am not, is not at all anywhere near the galaxy of what I want. I want to be done with all that and those who practice these things forever, to start with, and then many other things which diverge from this subject entirely.

  There are scriptures about dross being refined out of pure metals in a crucible and our works, all we've done being burned in a similar refining fire to see what would remain through the testing. I feel like this is where we are now, in my life, with many people and things. In the end we face our God one on one, face to face for our final review. I want to bring people with me like I'm supposed to and be surrounded by people, in the way there, who are on the same mission as me but the thing about that is, this is a really hard ruck and that weak sauce crap I've seen from so many inconsistent people whose priorities render worse results than would come about from them not even being in my life isn't gonna spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and in many other ways, survive this ruck. It is literally like both Pilgrims Process by Bunyan and Pilgrims Regress by C.S. Lewis really in that you just have all these obstacles and obstacles after obstacles and obstacles in this never ending gauntlet designed to make you give up, by the devil himself and all the forces of the demonic empire and, you know, I'm a believer now in what Jesus said about letting the dead bury the dead...

  My brother does not like it when I mention to him that he had to scrape the brain matter of a boy he was deployed with off of a humvee window to get all of him home to his family, but even though this is a very powerful story to tell, for the fact that he survived to tell it, I don't mention it anymore and I won't, but this frickin story just reminds me, everything I think passes through and gets regulated by that CPU that ended up on a window for one guy whose place my brother would have been in had he not asked to drive that day. But as noble and vital I feel it is for certain reasons for some people to get every bit of my brother's brothers and sisters home to their families, I think that Jesus, the one out of all of us who I know for a fact didn't stay dead is right: Some people you just need to let em go off on their own program because that's just what they really want and that's just what it is, so, let the dead bury the dead and go be about the land of the living and invest correctly there, being a good steward of what God has already invested in you.

  Having something and then losing it could be worse than never having it. Not always, but it may be in many cases. No one's proud of me and I'm pretty sure no one ever will be, but I choose to get out of the boat like Peter did twice and follow Jesus and maybe He will be some day. I feel like it is as Jesus said, in that for certain people who feel like they have way too much to lose, it would be easier for them to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it would be for them to get into the kingdom of God because of their priorities, and that's what this entire entry is about, priorities. 

  You know, the truth is, priorities just don't align sometimes and you have to make a decision, go a specific direction, and get there, and, you know, like Jesus said, "Where I go, no man can follow.", but I am no man... I'm reborn, and it's real, not a grift or just emotions like it is for a lot of people; I'm choosing every day to be dead to sin and alive in Christ alone. I'm building the discipline and I'm not turning back like so many other people do these days... "Are you going to turn back too?", Jesus asked Peter after he said what he said about eating his flesh, because many people were leaving him after hearing what he said because they didn't get it... but, listen: I started out this entry talking about how I work my ass off. How in the hell do you think I do it? I'm a 42 year old female who hasn't had health insurance for years. I drink a protein supplement. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

  That's what it is. He died so that we could live. The whole world says your worth is utter trash to them but your own creator becomes vulnerable and pervious like you and then lived their whole life a thoroughly good steward and good decision maker not screwing it up once then dies in your place to foot the bill of an entire lifetime of terrible stewardship and bad decision making. This overwrites all those shitty, corrupting files about our sense of worth s and what we should dedicate our focus and time and all our other resources to. It makes us risk taking team builder servant leaders like him because he was the first adult out of all of us used and abused and abandoned feral children to be the adult in the room and show us the example of what that actually looks like so that we could stand up for ourselves against all the pharisees and betrayed and corrupt oppressive overlords and do the adult thing to do despite all that not allowing abutting to become a sufficient excuse for us to not do the right thing to do. ...And when you're like the rich man in the parable of the rich man that it would be easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it would be for that guy to get into the kingdom of heaven because that guy perceives himself as having way too much to lose by standing up and being the adult, servant leader in the room, who acknowledges Jesus as the actual legitimate head of household, you are going to turn back. 

  You're not going to be able to make the ruck because of your priorities, not for any lack. You're a frickin rich dude; You should be able to get all the cool guy gear to get it all done the most efficiently and with the best results but because of that, the fact that you're rich in excuses to maintain the same old priorities only really lacking the one thing that you really need to aquire the most, the understanding that everything is from God and he is the true legitimate head of household, not you, you're just a steward,  you're never even going to legitimately start off on the mission. You're gonna turn back and you're not going to even stop to listen and verify this thing that people are exhorting you about which is that you have in fact turned back and you are actually not with us on this ruck; You're off on your own program doing rich guy things with rich guy priorities instead of team oriented things with team oriented priorities. 

  Galatians. A hundred percent. Get Galatians under your belt. You've got some discrimination issues you're warping and conflating and projecting because someone taught you wrong and then taught you to do that mother lemming offering up her babies to the predator instead of getting eaten herself thing. Like, seriously, they came first for the trigs, then the trogs, then me, do you really think it matters who trigs and trogs are placeholders for when that good which you could have done you chose not only to not do but to instead do big cowardly things that ended up being the opposite of why you were put by your maker in that position that you are in, "For such a time as this". 

  Uncle Mordecai ain't playin: God has no problem switching out parts that don't do the job right for one's that do in order to get the job done and done right. Believe that. There are many redeemed who are ready, willing, and able, who are out here drinking their protein shakes, to do the job and do it right. Ain't nothin but a point and click for the creator and sustainer of everything who redeems all things as their priorities line up appropriately to the mission.